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ATNMovies : xXx The Return Of Xander Cage (Random Pick)

ATNMovies : xXx The Return Of Xander Cage (Random Pick)

Before I rip this bloody movie apart, let me state for the record that I have eternal gratitude towards Vin Diesel for creating one of the most entertaining franchises in Hollywood with Fast and Furious. Now on to the movie Triple X: The Return of Xander Cage:

If it’s one thing that Vin Diesel is good at, is swindling studio’s to free up some budget to revive one of Diesels post-2000 action flicks. After trying to reboot Riddick, he’s now doing the same with Triple X. Based on the stupid premise of being a skater / secret agent kind of dude, he’s the only one extreme enough to stop some very un-extreme bad guys.

When a group of bad guys so skilled no one else can find them steals a device to hack satellites, Xander Cage is being recruited back to retrieve it. Wait a fucking second. This is the exact same plot as Fast and Furious 6. God dammit Vin Diesel.

The movie is one of those we-need-to-switch-to-a-different-location-every-0,3456-seconds so we see our hero Xander roam the world in search of his bad guys. To do so, he recruits three companions. An asian kid who is a DJ, a stuntman and Ruby talentless actress Rose. Seriously, she has cool tats and apparently was a dope factor in Orange Is The New Black, but that ain’t no damn excuse to cast her in every silly action flick. I’m talking to you, John Wick 2 producers.

I think that Triple X is the way Vin Diesel sees the world. One big playground filled with hot women who will have sex with him just for walking into the room (no joke, there’s a scene where Xander walks into a room with 7 or 8 women dressed in lingerie who immediately have sex with him), unrealistic extreme stunts (A crashing airplane suddenly makes everyone inside it weightless, as if there is no gravity) and Vin easily jumps 100 feet off a tower and lands on skies and continues like nothing happened.

The dialogue is nothing but one bad one-liner after another, the story is stupid, Samuel L. Jackson’s storyline is the same as his in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, but this time without explaining how or why, and even the action is cringe-worthy 80’s action, like Vin Diesel beating a few men with guns by smashing them with the back wheel of his motorcycle. Sigh.

The only good thing this movie did was cast Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa, who are heavily underused but save this movie from being a terrible, terrible disaster. Now it’s just a terrible disaster.

I hate this movie.

-10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/5

 

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